I'm gonna have a badass scar
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize