According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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