her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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