he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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