My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize