I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
