I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My life is pants optional.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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