while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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