Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
