nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
