allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
