I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
