i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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