Soap is not a condiment
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
