It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
