told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
