it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
