I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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