my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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