yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
