I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
