i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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