Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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