I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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