The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
