If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
