I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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