How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
