Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm having to shit out rocks
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize