So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
