I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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