He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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