While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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