You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
