Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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