My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Randomize
