I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
