im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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