I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
