Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
