My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize