I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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