I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
