Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
