I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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