Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
