I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
