everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
