Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize