I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
