The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
