the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
