There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
