Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
