College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
