Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The ass gains better be worth it
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